Of Predicaments and Fools

This poem was originally written by me during the darker phase we all came to know as the COVID Pandemic. Now, years later, I have re-read it and realise that the words ring true to my current situation too. Uncertainty has played a pivotal role in my life since the day I left Myanmar, at a moment’s notice, on the 18th March 2020.  World-wide lockdowns came into immediate effect. My heart was shattered.

Great relief sweeps over me as I realise that I no longer need to harbour fear or be anxious when uncertainty prevails. That it is a blessing in disguise. It helps me to slow down, to listen, to be grateful and calm. It helps me to understand, with deeper acceptance, that my path is perhaps exactly meant to be that - uncertain. For with it comes the tests I so obviously need on my specific journey through Life. 

Uncertainty brings with it the excitement of new adventures, of meeting new people and of renewed growth. It has gifted me inner strength. It has gifted me tolerance, patience and humour. It has gifted me the ability to love more deeply than ever before. 

I no longer let my tea get cold. Each sip demands that I make time to drink it hot. For whilst I sip away, I appreciate that Life is preparing the next phase for me. I need not worry. 

A myriad of thoughts relentlessly bombarding

Within the hallways of my mind 

Seeking clarity

Darting back and forth

Never offering respite nor tranquility

The waiting game dominant 

Ensnaring all as she commands supremacy

Holding within her uncompromising grip

The future

Forcing us to wait, watch and wonder

Uncertainty is her name

She too rules with unyielding vigor

Celebrating her potency over us mere mortals

For we are deemed powerless to make our own decisions

Stripped of the luxury of planning

 I greet each day with hopefulness

Clarity and dreams

My direction is certain

All is possible

Only to be stricken by teatime

Frustration levels soaring

Exploding in an uncontrollable surge

Reverberating through the passages of my mind

Unashamedly smashing against my thoughts

Condemning them to pulp

Completely exasperated

Sadness and disillusionment engulf me

Tears well up from deep within

Overflowing

Eroding any signs of hope on my face

My motivation waning

In the midst of deepened confusion

Determination receding into the depths of who I am

Surging forward once more

Only to be battered yet again

With each cup of hot tea 

A fresh image is born

Diverse and exciting

Provoking thoughts into actions

Seemingly all is now within my reach

Comments, opinions and conversations

Followed by icy cold pangs of reality

Create a torrent of turmoil

My body aches

The tea is cold

Fear rears its ugly head

Delusions play havoc in an exhausted mind

Anger and despair immersed side by side

Slowly grinding down that glimmer of light

Its sparkle fading

For now the fight in me is laid to rest

Hours are filled with doubts, grief and unease

The necessary process

For me to reach the higher understanding

Of that which is

A gentle acceptance affectionately fills my soul

Nurturing and holding me with guiding hands

Bringing with her the gift of hope and fortitude

To prepare me with clarity and wisdom

That I may once more follow my dreams and aspirations

When we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.

                                                                                                                             Wendell Berry