Simple Changes

I know as a woman

I’m supposed to be afraid of getting older

but I love this shit so much.

Every year I sink deeper

into this bath of unapologetic realness

and it’s amazing

                                                                                                                       Bunmi Laditan

Yet again, I have arrived at another set of crossroads in my life. Of one thing I am sure. Changes need to be made in order to move forward. Simple changes. With massive consequences.

As I soak in the warmth of golden sunshine, I celebrate my life with an iced cocktail in hand. I look forward to what lies ahead with the excitement of a small child. I present myself with the list of changes needed.  A long, well-thought-out list. Chuckling as I read through it, I ask Self to support me. For she knows me well. With her wisdom, Self guides me with the love of a mother. With an understanding deeper than any ocean. With the empathy needed to support a concerned soul. 

My list goes on and on. I take sips of the refreshing drink. Feeling its coolness soothing my throat as it gently makes its way along familiar pathways. 

Thoughts and questions play havoc in my mind. But, in a gentle manner. Each one seemingly begging for my attention. Suggesting that they be the most important issue to be addressed. As if to take a break from thoughts, I lie back in the water and watch the clouds above. No sign of rain. The heat is relentless. The blue water supporting my body  is soft and comforting against my skin.

Advice to me. This is a big one. There is just so much going on. Changes, no matter how small, can be tough. This I know. It does not make it easier. Another challenge on the horizon each day. But one I’m willing to face if I wish to be the best version of Ingrid. 

I am a nurturer. A beautiful quality if used correctly. However, it can be abused. By others, myself included. In any given situation in which I find myself, my first need is to make things better. For everyone. All the time … 

I need to realise my limitations. To accept that each one of us is on our own personal journey. A journey designed to teach and support us in all we need to experience. My first challenge is to learn to let go when needed. I will always, without a doubt, be there for those I love. To support them. To comfort and to guide them. But, I now need to place myself at the top of my priority list. This is a tough one. It always somehow seems selfish. But time has taught me that I am worthy of that. I need to nurture myself first.

I am a worrier. Taking on the problems of the world and of others is second nature to me. I am a good listener. Will always make time to create a safe space for those who wish to share. However, when that sacred space leaves me drained and feeling invisible, having dealt with the intense lack of unawareness of those sharing, I need to then distance myself from the situation and the person. Too much of my precious time has been spent on things I cannot control. On people I cannot help. On those who selfishly have no awareness of others. Practising tolerance and being non-judgemental is a big one for me. My patience and empathy will always be. I will walk away from toxic people. Knowing that, at the right time, their teachers will appear.

I can no longer carry everyone else’s baggage. The load is too heavy.

I need to be more patient. To be brave enough to go with the flow. To truly believe the Universe has a plan for me. Complete acceptance of things that are, presents its own set of challenges, of sadness and of doubts. I will find the wisdom to muddle through. I want to approach challenges with calmness. Eliminating fear and anxiety. Seeking to find the clarity with which to find solutions.

More space is needed in my life to enjoy that which is. The simple things that make our world so incredibly beautiful. The people who are precious to me. Those who truly know and practice the meaning of love, support and friendship. Simple sunsets that bathe beaches in cloaks of gold. A single flower. The level of relaxation I feel when submerged in warm bubbly water.

I wish to connect to the energies that remain unseen to my eyes, but fill my heart each day. For they bring so much love and support. And comfort. I want to learn from them, understand them and to listen to their guidance.

I wish to create a deeper connection with Mother Nature. I don’t want to fear her. I want to understand her. For I truly believe that she supports me in every way possible. Her beauty and her strength fill my life with every step I take.

There is an inner battle which many fear when confronted with speaking their truth. Fear of appearing rude. Fear of being outcast and not accepted. Fear of hurting someone. Fear of being wrong. These issues all come bouncing through the mind, playing havoc with what we wish to convey. I need to develop my self-confidence and to truly believe that I can make the impossible possible. Great things are out there. I wish to reach out and be part of the process.

I will no longer carry the crippling weight of guilt on my shoulders. Looking back, I know that, at the time, I always gave my best. The harsh jealousy of those who are threatened by my best often caused sad, lonely experiences. However, they have resulted in me walking even taller. Smiling even wider. They have helped me to see who I really am.  I truly love and respect what I stand for. May their eyes open one day. May they be big enough …

I want to laugh more. From my heart. From my belly. Till the tears flow. Life and her challenges are not always that serious. There exists so much humour and fun in the world. I want to experience it. To capture it. To create it. With laughter will come the cure.

I intend to create more alone-time. For that is when more of me is uncovered. It is a time for uninterrupted thoughts and reaching within. I value my own company. Many people cannot be alone with themselves. Are afraid to be alone with themselves. Perhaps fearing their faults or weaknesses.  Spending time alone is good. Self and I get on well – sharing deep conversations about this and that, addressing issues, fears and challenges, and even sharing a good laugh at how seriously we take life. 

Thanks to Tarryn for sharing your incredible photo depicting the sheer power of Mother Nature.