The Untangling Of Wires

The anguish and challenges of decision-making. A process each and every one of us faces several times throughout our lives. It can be one of the hardest things to do. It can also be fun and easy. The effects of decision-making can have positive outcomes. They can also inflict pain and suffering. 

I tend to stress and overthink whilst making decisions. Especially the life-changing ones. The big ones. I research all my options. And cringe at some of the possible aftermaths. My biggest fear is always that of making a mistake. Of perhaps hurting others. Of causing problems and complications. 

Waking at the ungodly hour of three o’clock each morning, for months on end, I created my own prison in my mind. A prison wherein my thoughts held me captive. Punished me. Drove me insane. Or so it seemed.

In our sixties, we need to perhaps be more conservative in our thinking. Our decision-making. For we need to conserve our resources. We need to know where it is we should settle down. Where exactly we belong. Or so I thought … A tough one, when at my age I am still unsure of what I want to be when I grow up.

My decision-making process eventually tainted my days. Blinded me. Robbed me of any clarity. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out how to move forward in life. Since leaving Myanmar, time has flown by - despite lockdowns, pandemics, military coups and other such tragedies. As I do, I have made the most of being in South Africa. At home with my family. My friends. Always deeply grateful for the incredible natural beauty the Western Cape has to offer. It is surely one of the most magnificent parts of the world. One which has supported me on every level during the past two and a half years. But I am so deeply aware that choices need to be made in order for my next chapter to materialise.

My restless nights became too long. My concerns and confusion grew. I doubted myself and the choices of which I was thinking. Fear of failure was always lurking in the corners of my mind. Exhausting me. Stealing my self-confidence and my inner peace. It was then that I learnt the value of silence. The value of surrendering. 

I decided to be still and to be calm. To look inwards for the answers. To allow Life to expose Her beautiful plan to me. In her time. I realise that sometimes our lives need a complete overhaul. We need to step out of the norm. Out of our comfort zones. Out of what is expected. In order to develop and be our best Self.

The process of planning my future was tough. It brought with it many issues. Many challenges. Many lessons to be learnt. I now understand that when in doubt, one should only deal with what is within one’s capability. The rest will follow. I am a perfectly imperfect woman. Fear of the unknown is a healthy thing. As long as I keep the lid on the necessary tool that it is. For being afraid can so easily consume me.

The only limitations I am dealing with are the ones I created in my mind. It has been necessary to dig deep, to build self-confidence and to make those decisions. Not easy. For I love my family and want what’s best for everyone. 

So it is at the age of sixty-three, without a salary and solo, I am taking the big leap forward. Embarking on the next chapter of my life. The next adventure. The decision has been made. It feels right. I now have the courage to move on. To continue writing my own story in Siem Reap, Cambodia.